Piper Mahoney April 4, 2015 Cool Places to Go, Homeschool, Other Than Dogs, Writing

Poetry

Yesterday was the last day of my Creative Writing class with my teacher Michele Rothkopf. The next class is going to be taught by another person that she picked to take over. I really liked Michele, she was great at editing my writing and encouraging me to do write more and write poems which I never used to do much.

At the End of Course Celebration the students and even their parents read pieces that they had written. I wrote the poem titled Time that is below. It rhymes and I never write ones that rhyme so it is new for me. Also, it is not about dogs. I know, can you believe it?

Please let me know what you think, I like constructive criticism on all my work.

Time

Today changes tomorrow

Tomorrow changes the next

Days go by without stopping

Leaving people perplexed

We cannot stop days from going by

No matter what we do

Time goes on forever

Everyday is new

A day may seem like it never ends

Then we see the truth

Time is precious to us all

No one has eternal youth

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1

Alexis on April 4, 2015 at 1:38 am
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Hi! I think your poem was great! I liked the rhyming, not forced at all (which sometimes it can be when writers feel it *has* to rhyme), and the topic was solid. 🙂 I think if it had gone on a few more lines to give a stronger conclusion, that would have been great. But overall, nice job! 🙂

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  Piper Mahoney on April 4, 2015 at 2:01 am
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  Thanks for reading and responding with a comment. I had to write something that fit in a set amount of time so it had to be short because we were reading them out loud. Usually, my work is longer. It is had to write something short and get all you want in it. I will post some other stuff and as always appreciate the comments.
  
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    Alexis on April 4, 2015 at 2:13 am
    
    You’re welcome! I’d love to read your future work. 🙂
    
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George on April 4, 2015 at 2:38 am
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Very good….nicely done

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5

colinandray on April 4, 2015 at 12:01 pm
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Your poem is very good however, what impressed me more is the understanding behind it. You realize that while life goes on, nobody “has eternal youth”. So many people much older than you are still living as if they have forever. Typically, they will always be going to do something “tomorrow” ……. but one day, tomorrow will not come! Well done. Please keep writing, and of course doing whatever else you love for (as you say) “time is precious to us all”. Great job.

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Tomi Nelson on April 4, 2015 at 12:48 pm
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I really enjoyed your poem, and found it very insightful. I agree with Alexis in that the rhyming flows naturally, not sounding forced.
Your poem is going on the bulletin board in front of my desk, to serve as my reminder to write. Because- time waits for no one. Thank you Piper.

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7

Margaret Machado on April 4, 2015 at 1:11 pm
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Your poem “Time” is quite an achievement.

The pace of your poem mirrors the action and meaning the poem delivers. For instance, pacing is achieved in the first stanza when you write about one day following the next with change “inevitable” and ongoing. The rhyme of your words, line length, repetition of words, and the number of syllables in each word, all of this is drawn out and causes the reader to feel the notion of days drawn out one after another, over a lifetime.
It ends in the word “perplexed.” Good word choice and placement.

In the last stanza, “A day may seem like it never ends” This is a long line (9 syllables) of primarily one syllable words, and reads like a long march through one day. Good technique. By comparison the next line is short with one syllable words: “Then we see the truth.” This change, short and abrupt, causes the reader to stop marching through the day; to stop and “see”. Good word choice here. The reader is cautioned to “see,” not “do.” When we have stopped to “see”, we think, know, understand, and listen: “No one has eternal youth,” and we are no longer “perplexed.”

You are a very accomplished poet and pacing through line and word length, rhyme, repetition of words and sounds to make meaning comes naturally for you. For instance, if you want the reader to stop, use a short line. If you want the reader to feel the monotony of long days, use a longer line. As an accomplished poet, it happens naturally for you as you write and decide on what works and what doesn’t. Almost without thinking too much, you make good choices about the flow of language as it relates to meaning.

Congratulations on your natural gift using words to make meaning.

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  Piper Mahoney on April 4, 2015 at 10:39 pm
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  Thank you so much. I couldn’t decide what to share at our celebration in my creative writing class. I thought about so many things that I had already written but did not like them enough. Then I wrote this the night before. My mom asked me if her explaining the song Jack and Diane by John Cougar Mellancamp when we were driving in the car when I asked her what it was about inspired me. I thought about it and it probably did. That song was about life being never ending and being young a short amount of time. I better have fun now right?
  
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